" It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now there's shipping and handling too.."
"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?
Where does the glue go?"
- Rita Rudner
"A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
"Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?"
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-Steven Wright
"The way I see life, is that we're all on the Hindenburg; no point in fighting over the window seats."
-Richard Jeni
"The difference between sex and death is with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
-Woody Allen
"Women say it's not how much men have, but what we do with it. How many things can we do with it? What is
it, a Cuisinart? It's got two speeds : Forward and Reverse."
-Richard Jeni
"The suit is the universal business outfit for men. I don't know why it projects this image of power. 'We'd better
do what this guy says, his pants match his jacket.'"
-Jerry Seinfeld
"I've got a wonderful doctor. If you can't afford the operation, he touches up the X-rays."
-Henny Youngman
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets
or ruin our lives."
-Rita Rudner
